The Maroon Diaries

I used to keep journals. I kept them lovingly, faithfully and well. Journalling was an important and cherished part of my life. I discovered so much of myself through my journals. Or at least that’s how I remember it. Because my journals were so important to me, I’d keep them every time I edited my possessions in order to move house. By the time I turned 30 I’d collected a big, heavy pile of journals. It might not look so big to some – I’ve often read writers’ accounts of having piles of old journals stacked from floor to ceiling in their attics or cellars. I’m guessing that these are mostly the kinds of people who have houses with attics and cellars and get to stay put in them for long periods of time. But me, every fucking time I moved house or even re-organised the one I was living in, I’d have to pack the fucking things up, lug them about from here to fucking there, and find somewhere to bloody well store them again. You can tell how frustrated I’ve become by this by all the fu...

I didn't wake up so well this morning. As soon as I was conscious I felt irritated, disconnected and anxious. My mind was running over in circles of negative thought. I felt the shadows of the night's dreams - quite a string of disconnected anxieties - still present in the morning light. This is something I'm used to. It's a common feature of a depressive illness - to wake up in the midst of the hardest emotions, and to struggle to rise out of them somehow to reach the realities of the day that is unfolding. Taking care of how I wake up is an important part of my mental health management. The discovery of the blogosphere was a remarkable boost to my morning experience, possibly the best one since I discovered tea-drinking in my late teens. First thing, when I wake up in the morning, I make a cup of tea. I often dream of having someone to make a cup of tea for me and bring it to me in bed - oh, surely, the very definition of luxury - but in the meantime, the thirst f...

I made a dreamcatcher today. It's something that I've never done before.  I've never used a dreamcatcher myself before, either, but I wanted to make one for a friend who is troubled by nightmares. I find it hard to do something that I'm not already sure I know I can do well. I put it off for quite a while, and had it in my mind to focus on starting it today. I started by writing in my journal about it, and once I identified and named the 'Not Good Enough' fear-thoughts, resistance melted and I was off with needle and thread. Technique was another matter. Someone did show me how to make dreamcatchers once - about 13 years ago. But it was enough to start playing around with it. I started off much too loose and loopy but worked it out somewhere in the middle. I believe a messy dreamcatcher will likely work as well as a neat one. It just needs some dangly bits coming down. I want to use little bunches of eucalyptus leaves. A short Walking Adventure shall be i...